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The Outlandish Oddone

I'll miss these three day weekends. I don't think I get another one for a good, long while. Got a lot done. But I also managed to waste an awful lot of time, which I never have anything against. First, let's forget about Monday. I did my laundry, relaxed about the house...I did nothing Monday.

Tuesday, however, was an important day. I managed to get up early, and was ready when Kat showed up to take me to my appointment. I finally managed to sit down with a therapist and plan out a course of treatment. Well, I got to sit down with the therapist's daughter and plan things out. She's trained though, and I felt we were able to really go over all the hangups and things I want to work on with professional help. At the end of it all she told me a few things she saw as problems and possible fixes from our meeting.Collapse )

Today was good. I managed to get myself a fair amount of sleep last night, and woke up in the afternoon. I'll be honest though, I've been tired all day. Got out the door late, and got to anime club around 7:15 or so. I'm on my own to get out there now, and I have *got* to get going earlier! It was mostly nice, though. Circulated around a lot, saw snips of this and that. The live action version of deathnote was popular, as was the new Hellsing OVA.

Sat down and talked with Kat for a little bit. She's giving me space while I get my head together. I'm grateful. I fear my mind still reels at all that went on with her, and having her practically underfoot all the time was...probably not the best idea. I wouldn't even let her do this unless I knew for certain that she still had her own avenues to hang out with people and get the emotional support she needs. I don't think she'll be at club for a while, but that's mostly because she feels a little burnt out and has just started going to school on Wednesdays. I still consider her a good friend, and hope we can hang out again in the future.

Dinner was really nice. Kim wasn't there(Poor dear's under the weather. Get well soon, Kim!!), nor was Tyla, but Shannon, Misha, Noelle, Ashley, Mindy(Who's doing well for herself with a lot of local film work. Did you know a lot of the Disney Channel's made for TV movies are shot here? Yeah, she's probably going to work on High School Musical 2. You've been warned....), Julie, and myself were able to enjoy ourselves at IHOP. Simple food simply made allowed us all to relax and enjoy each other's company. I only wish some of the guys would come back to club so I didn't have to be the only(and admittedly poor) representative of the testosterone contingent at these meals. But whatever, we had fun.

Ashley kindly drove me home, and I've been relaxing ever since. Work in the morning though, so I'm off to bed.

Current Mood: determined determined
Current Music: moon project-moments are forever (original mix)

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Feeling better. Got a little more sleep last night. Work was fine, and after it spent some time with Kat and her new beau, Jason. I didn't really know him all that well, but having sat down and talked with him for a couple hours I've formed a good opinion of him. I wish them the best.

Anyway, nothing else going on. Amanda had game tonight, but I got home just as everyone was leaving. Good pork stir fry was waiting for me, though. I'm grateful for that. Also, we have a rice cooker. God, I don't even remember what happened to my old one(I assume I broke it. I broke a lot of things in that first apartment.). I hope we have rice, but even if we don't, I'll gladly go buy some Monday, maybe something I can throw in with it.

One of my Father's gifts was his ability to make this sort of rice, sausage, and stewed tomato casserole. It was simple, it was filling, and of course it tasted fantastic. I *wish* I'd helped him make it, just once, just to know the freaking recipe. Also my Grandma could do a good Puerto Rican rice and beans. It was only the rice and beans, but she put some special spices into it, and I just loved it. Oh well, there's always Internet. I'm sure I can find something simple. I love rice. It was just such this huge staple food growing up. It's just something Puerto Ricans *do*. And while I don't miss a lot of the food(Hell, I don't miss *most* of it), a good plate of rice and beans would do my soul some good.

Wow. I actually want to cook something. Um...I'm OK, I swear. Honest.

Anyway. I'm going to attempt a Wordpress install on my website, and then get some sleep.

Current Mood: good good
Current Music: Depeche Mode - It's No Good

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Amanda's got a friend in town. It's good, she'll probably get out more in the next few days.

Also, I didn't realize Martin Luther King day was next week. I get another three day weekend, Monday through Wednesday. Been having trouble sleeping, and I've no idea why. I feel fine. But I'll be going to bed right after I post this to make sure I get some sleep. Work's been fine though, I've deposited a check this morning and there are no threats on the horizon.

I just hope I get a little more sleep tonight.

Current Mood: exhausted exhausted
Current Music: Rolling Stones - Mothers Little Helper

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Happiness is remembering that you never installed new drivers for that new graphics card you put in your box a month or two back. What can I say? I don't 3d game(Emulation4Life!), nor do I do much else that required 3d. But there have been graphical slowdowns and hiccups recently.

But that's not what this is about. Oh no. I just downloaded the drivers and on the download page there's a little box that says "Add Nvidia to your Myspace friends!".

What. The. HELL.

Seriously, are we that far gone? Is everyone so utterly entrenched in that God forsaken service(YES, LJ is better. None of the UI stuff for working with the site makes me want to kill myself....) that even a freaking Graphics Card Company has a need to have a Myspace? And hell no I'm not checking it out. It's just....it's so stupid. Come on Nvidia. You pretty much own the enthusiast graphics market, show some class with that prestige.

Current Mood: There's no "disturbed" smiley.
Current Music: Muse - Feeling Good

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Gosh. OK.

Amanda's car has sadly broken down. Twice. I've had to take a taxi home a couple times but it seems that's not *quite* as expensive as it could be....I just don't want it to become a habit, you know? I'm more worried for her than myself. I've a few people I can rely on occasionally, and there are ways to work around my schedule. She has fewer resources, but I think she'll be OK. I just hope her car gets fixed soon.

Also, managed to work out some stuff with Kat. Stayed the night at her place Sunday, which was unexpected but not unwelcome. It was a wonderful night, and I wouldn't have spent it with anyone else in the world. There's a sense of finality to things, and I am utterly glad to have her in my corner as a best friend. One hopes only for her own life to settle somewhat, and I think 2007 will be good for that. I just hope she doesn't go nuts in the process of following her responsibilities. But she's tough. She's strong enough to take it, and thanks to my and others interventions and introductions, she has a mature support system in place for crisis. Not that she sometimes even needs it.:)

I do find that I'm the more worrisome between us, the more ponderous, the more emotional. It's interesting, because in light of what we've been to each other in the past, I can really examine some of my interpersonal relation issues in a different light. She's still special to me....and it's been a strange, informative journey to understand just how I feel, how I react to that, and what the best way to react to my emotions, wants, and responsibilities(And oh how often all three of those are juxtaposed, tearing at my heart!)....while still holding true to my somewhat humanistic and collective based ideals.

I would like very much to be able to live a life as free of obvious and obstinate hypocrisy toward others as possible. But I'd also not like to live with my guilt fighting against my wants, inflicting me with pain. It's a strange little war, that's been going on my whole life. I love to study it though, hoping to somehow live in a place where I don't feel guilty for what I want....and at the same time don't become narcissistic and cruel. Balance. So much of how I view life is how I find balance between extremes. In 2007, I want to understand it all better.

Monday, was work, which meh, whatever, right? I do have something interesting in the pipe, though. Apparently as federal employees we all got a day of mourning off for the death of President Ford. Sadly, we couldn't get it, as the mail didn't stop that or any day. So, in lieu of us all bugging out on one day, we get a free paid vacation day we can take off at any point until September. Doesn't even drain our earned vacation hours. I'm thinking it'd be a good weekend extender, in case I want to go to Vegas for a couple days or something. Or an extra day for some task I'll need to complete in the future. I don't know. But it's nice to have options.

Tuesday was laundry, the purchase of more vitamins and pills(They're working. I'll need a prescription soon, but something's happened.). Also at long last one of the therapists I couldn't get on the phone to save my sad little mind had the good sense to call me back. I've made an appointment to see Doctor Christensen Tuesday at 12:30. I'm ready for it. Frankly can't wait. Tuesdays are nice, though. Did the laundry, hung out with Kat, and went home when I realized I wasn't really needed for a character creation session for an RPG I'm not playing. Relaxing, overall.

Wednesday, man...I had trouble sleeping last night. Just...some kind of wakefulness that wouldn't be shaken, and anxiety, which I haven't felt in a good month or two. No idea what it means. Though I did manage to get plenty of sleep, and out to club...even if I was an hour late. Part traffic accident, part lateness. I'll try to improve when I have only myself to rely on to get there in the future.

Lord, I have missed club. OK, I've missed the people. They're my friends. They're my social world. A few were missed(The boys from Secundus, Joey, maybe a couple others I've missed...), but a nice core group was there. I had fun, as did most everyone else. Then of course was dinner, which is always nice. I don't like the Training Table's layout, though. The tables are all so small, and so spread out, it's really hard to get a group wide sense of what's being talked about and whatnot. Still, I had my fill of food and friends, and got home fine.

Tomorrow? Work. Pay. A few pointed questions about how I find out about what's available in the way of work transfers. God, it's hard to get that done. I *will* have my information. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with the Therapist. I'm looking forward to a solid date for my Sleep Study. I need to talk about specialists, and then go see them. I'm accepting a lot of change around me, and that's good. I just need to be sure I don't resent any of it, especially as it pertains to what I want, what others want, and the sometimes vast differences between the two. I must always remember: The healthiest things for people as a whole are always more important than my own desires. Always.

And I think I can stick to it. I'm growing. Finally. It feels good. But you know what else would? Sleep. Goodnight.

Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful
Current Music: Christopher O'Riley covering Radiohead - True Love Waits

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I managed to get to sleep pretty early last night. Slept *real* good. Quite the improvement.

Work was fine...until lunch. We have four fridges in the break room and I must've searched each one five times looking for my food. Some *idiot* took it. And there's what, 500 people working there on any given day? There's no way I'll know who took it. It's just....galling. So the rest of my day I wasn't at my best. But for every cloud, a silver lining: Amanda and Aaron cooked dinner, and I had a delicious plate of good old fashioned home made Mashed Potatoes and Meatloaf. My spirits are up. Which is good. It's amazing what a difference a meal makes.

Other than that? I'm fine, most of the people I know are fine, and life continues. Goodnight.

Current Mood: content content

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Woke up tired today. Unfocused. I had real trouble getting sleep last night, couldn't really sleep until five, but at least I was able to get up on time. I'm OK. Just...tired. Except I can really feel it today, I can feel the weight of it, which means that wasn't there the last few days. It means I had a height to fall from. And really, I'm only physically exhausted. My mental faculties are still pretty tight, and I'm not immediately in that funk I get into where everything's negative and nothing's worth doing.

Hell, I'm even writing in this thing and that's a good sign.

Yesterday was OK. Spent a lot of time out with Kat running errands. Simple things, pleasant things. Kat's making her own dice bag and D20 earrings, which is cool. Went to the mall, visited her sis on her last day of work, and had a *very* nice little meal at this place called Sampan. Chinese, in an utterly well decorated restaurant built into the mall. Reminded me of Hoho Gourmet, but somehow just a little more upscale. Fortunately the prices weren't upscale. Fantastic food, though, and good company. Came home, rested for a few. It's always so nice to have a lovely girl in my bed.;)

At any rate, plans were made, meals were had. Aaron, Bentley, Bates, his girlfriend...um....I know her name. I do not, and this is the second time I've sat down to a meal with her. No good. I'm so sorry, I want to make a hard "k" sound, some vowels, but it's not coming to me. I'm so very sorry. At any rate, the aforementioned others, Kat and myself went to Mimi's for dinner. One of those chains where you get a metric ton of comfort food no matter what you order. But definitely nicer than most, with several unique menu items. Hell, I'd rate it higher than most others of its type because it actually seemed to have a personality, as opposed to others which just seemed to be so much bricabrac on the walls.

It was fun, but then it always is to eat out with friends. After that, some of us wound up at Hastur's game shop. I think I'll need to pick up some of the other Guardians of Order games now that the company is out of business. I meant to do it *earlier*, honest....it's just that life gets in the way and bankruptcy has never been an aid to finding a company's products. Though to be honest all I want is their Superhero game Silver Age Sentinels and their cyberpunk game Ex Machina. BESM was always one of my favorite systems, if only because I got the basic mechanics down so well, and it seemed to scale to epic level stuff fairly easily.

A nice Wednesday. Next week brings the return of club, and while I've had so much fun having more time for some groups of friends I've missed my weekly meet up with so many friends. It'll be a full return to routine, and I've always liked routine. Sometimes I honestly think I couldn't be anything but a creature of habits. I just love them too much.

Meanwhile today work was work, and a sort of hazy tiredness was the rule for the day. Also, some friends worked some stuff out *well*, and I couldn't be happier. 2007. I think it's good for resolution. I really, really do.

Interesting. Among the things my Doctor(God it feels good to type that. Hurrah for healthcare!) suggested was a patch to deliver testosterone into my system, seems I was a little low. This morning my patch came off in the shower, and I didn't want to put on a new one and screw up the cycle. I put a new one on at the regular time of midnight....and right now, I feel a little more awake. Maybe more than a little. Wow. That's pretty cool. Well, I'm still more than tired enough to get some sleep.


Current Mood: tired tired
Current Music: Placebo - Running up that hill (kate bush)

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Hi there!

New Year's Eve was a stunning success, at least from my POV. Kat picked me up from work, we bought a few things at Walmart for the party, and it was off to Kim's. She and her husband Chris are doing well, they have a very nice new house. All spacious and well furnished. I'm glad to say several of my friends were in attendance: Noel and Stephen(P-chan), Grant and Jeana, Eric and Tia, Danny and Alison, Mindy, Shannon, Ashley, and of course our host Kim. Chris is sadly somewhat non-social(Poor man.), but was upstairs helping to improve Noel and P-chan's computer upstairs.

It was really nice. There was *great* food(Did I not say Q4U was *fantastic*? I only wish I hadn't accidentally left the containers of extra stuff there...I hope Noel and P-chan at least got it, or someone else.). There was pulled pork, and beef, and ribs, and sides, and sauce....and I even *liked* the sauce, I usually can't stand barbecue sauce but it really improved the meat. I could only do 1.5 plates, but man, what I had was fantastic. And Kat brought her chocolate fondue fountain! I didn't have much, I'll be honest(I was in more of a meal mood than a treat one), but what I had was good. And of course there were various little treats and snacks all over. Really, a good spread.

And what's a party without games? Why, not a party at all.:) I didn't play any myself because....well...that loner thing. I've gotta keep that up, regardless. Right. I did play quiz master for the game of trivial pursuit 80's edition, though. I kept getting both ends of the spectrum from the cards: some were insanely easy, others far too hard. And I learned that Strawberry Shortcake had some of the stupidest villain names of all 80's cartoons(Seriously The Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak?! No, fuck you.....). That was fun, but was soon replaced by cranium, which was played until the moment came.

Thank God for explosives. At the appointed moment we all let loose indoors with those little cardboard popguns that shoot out confetti. Then it was outside, where Danny once again did his best impression of a small arms dealer and doled out bottle rockets, firecrackers(Particularly good ones, *real* loud like...), some flashers and some flowers. We went for a good half hour with those, right in the street. It was cold, but it certainly felt good to see it. Even Kim's neighbors across the street came out to see what was the matter. I had to good sense to yell "Happy New Year" at them like an idiot because, well....we were acting like idiots. Now that I think about it I probably should have shot off a few of those myself.

Anyway, we did that, then things started to die down. People started going home, things were organized and somewhat cleaned up, and that nice sort of exhaustion that comes from a night of partying started showing up. Well wishes were shared, and we all got home to what I hope was a good night's sleep for everyone.

I hope this starts a tradition. It'd be nice to do something at least *like* that every year. Maybe I'll hang out with different groups of my friends from year to year...but I think this party really struck a good tenor and tone for what I think makes a good New Year's Bash. There are some people I missed: a few of the guys from club, but I assume they had prior engagements. And also the Male Contingent was over at Joe's, playing Wii and watching flicks. But...if I can't have everyone together, I'd like to be able to have fun eventually with all my friends.

Anyway. Yesterday was fine. Woke up OK, and Kat came by...I want to say twoish....to pick me up and join her in some errands. We got the groceries for her Grandmother and put them away for her. It was nice, quick, and got me out for the day. I devoted the rest of my time to laundry and videogames, nothing eventful really happened.

Today....I woke up to pebbles being thrown at my window. It took me a little bit to realize that yes, I was awake, and yes, in the real world. I went to the window to see who it was, but wasn't ready for the light of morning. Seconds later, a knock at my door. Kat. My dear, darling friend. She'd just been to the doctor and wanted to know if I wanted to do breakfast.


I don't believe I was even remotely coherent, because before long she was calling it off and telling me to go back to bed. I love her dearly, honest. It's just that...we're not morning people in this apartment, especially during the week. Best not to show up before noon at the earliest....and if it's a day off make it one or two. As it was I wasn't really able to get back to sleep. Which is fine: I needed to and did pay the rent. I just....have been *so* out of it today....

But I still got things done. The aforementioned rent was paid, and I bought a couple pair of headphones because the ones I bought went out. I've gone with Phillips this time because out of the ones that were available they were a brand I recognized for a reasonable price that weren't Sony. Sony only really makes those behind the ear headphones now in my price range and I can't stand those. So...yeah, headphones, rent, and dinner taken care of, and I'm a tried, but OK potato.

Tomorrow....I think there are plans? Yeah. Someone shoot me info on that, times, places, etc. Me, I've been up far too late typing. Which...I could probably even type more. Which is sad considering my exhaustion, but good considering I was beginning to wonder if I'd *ever* get back to this thing.


Current Mood: sleepy sleepy
Current Music: Depeche Mode - I Feel Loved (Yartek's Emotional High Remix)

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Work was work. Went fine, came home fine. Amanda and Aaron cooked up a fantastic meal of pasta, a salad, and shrimp.....really nice, just helped me relax just right. Every other Saturday night is Game Night here, where Aaron, Bentley, Geoff, and sometimes either Joe or Hattie shows up. Amanda will cook something, and they'll play...um...whatever the hell tabletop RPG it is they play. The upside of course is that I get to get some good food, talk to some people for a few minutes, and Amanda gets some good people time.

Of course, I try to stay out of the way...because when I game(Admittedly, Videogaming is a different animal.....), I don't want people bugging me too much. They're there for a reason, and I don't want to be extraneous to that reason. And hey, I love surfing all night. Though I did get some good company when Kat came over to decompress. I'm glad I was able to help her relax, and get stuff off her chest.

All in all a basic, relaxing night...which'll be the complete opposite of tomorrow, thank God. I just can't wait to get my party on to bring in 2007. It'll be nice, surrounded by Anime People, bringing in the new year right.

Anyway. I've *got* to get some sleep, if only to be fully charged up for tomorrow night.:)

Current Mood: excited excited
Current Music: The Cure - The Cure - Spiderman

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Work was fine. Amanda couldn't take me home, but Kat was kindly able to drive me. She's now over at Kristian's, playing with the Wii. Some girls have all the luck. I think I'm set for New Year's Eve. I get the feeling this'll be one of the best yet, if only for the company I'll be keeping. Sadly, this time of year is rather thin on the podcasts. I just hope I have enough to get through the day tomorrow, I had to surf around nothing but music for the last hour or so of work. What I wouldn't give to have good reception of KCPW in my work building...they have BBC World Service overnights and I wouldn't mind being stuck on that at *all*.

Still some stuff I can't get into. I don't know what to do there, but I get the feeling I'm just not wanted. Or that I would exacerbate things. And I will not be in a place where I can do harm.

Oh, also put up a placeholder on my site. Simple HTML has yet to fail me, even works in lynx....now I just have to work on that Wordpress design, and put up content. Gone too far too quick to stop now, thank goodness.

I really think the pills and patches are working. I'm better. Better than I was, that's for damned sure. Not good enough, though. Soon. Soon. I think I just sort of....fell into the holiday trap of not doing too much. Well...not doing much of anything. That ends this week. On a somewhat related subject, I listened to the best piece of media on depression I've ever heard today.

There's this public radio show, Speaking of Faith. Now, you all *know* I'm not a religious person. It's just not a part of me, something my youth fairly ruined for me. I'm as much to blame as my Father for that...for basically not being able to look past him when looking at organized religion. I'd even go so far as to say I'm an Atheist....if I could trust my own perceptions and precepts to actually believe much of anything.

At any rate, I do like the idea of spirituality. I'm also a fan of hearing measured, intelligent conversation on what this thing I don't understand call faith means to those who believe. Rather than be proselytized at or judged harshly for a moral code I can't stand, let alone want to follow....I do enjoy hearing people discuss how they feel toward these things, how it drives their lives, and how they understand faith.

And wonderfully, it's not even just people gabbing about church. Take this show I heard to today, "The Soul in Depression". I've suffered with clinical depression for most of my life, and even though there are divisions of miles between myself and most of the guests on this show theologically, when they talked about depression itself, as they described what it did to them and how it made them feel....I've rarely heard anything that struck me as true as this did. They just...they *got* it. They understood, and because they were all out on the other side, they were able to put words and descriptions to things I've never been able to even fully understand, let alone name and classify.

And what's more they described coming out of it in a way that honestly removes a lot of my fear of being healthy. Sort of...that idea that, if you took away the sickness, the fucked up bits...would I even really have anything left? It's a nonsensical thing to think. Believe me, I've belittled myself for that line of thought a thousand times in a thousand ways. It doesn't make any real sense. And yet. I do fear that beneath the sickness there isn't anything. That I'm just this walking, hurting *thing*, and that's all I am.

And really, to hear people talk about how they came out, and how they were still *them*, fundamentally, only healthy, and not constantly dogged by this beast....it gives me hope, and makes me think down avenues I've been scared to before. A wonderful show, and definitely one of the reasons I'm proud to be a member of my local NPR station....even if I don't receive it at work.

I'd like to share it with you. Go ahead, click here and get taken to the episode in question's page. There's a downloadable MP3, all ready to be listened to(Yes, there's also a Real Stream...but if you honestly choose *that*, I'll have no choice but to remove you from my group of friends. It just shows you make horrendously poor choices and can't be trusted.). Give it a shot, tell me what you think. It really is one of the best hours of radio I've heard all year, and I think that if you've suffered with depression, you may find it an enlightening listen, even if you aren't a person of faith.

OK, OK. Off to soapbox. Just give it a shot and then give me a shout. Oh, and by all means check out the other episodes on the main site. They're all free, and most are pretty damned amazing.

*SIGH* Work in the morning. Weekends start early, though I shouldn't complain as that early start time is the only reason I'll be able to party into 2007. Off to bed, hope you're well.

Current Mood: calm calm
Current Music: OK Go - A Million Ways To Be Cruel

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